Driving in Sunglasses to Be Made Illegal – “Sunglass Starmer” Strikes Again
In a bold but not very bright move, Prime Minister Keir “BORING Starmer” has announced plans to ban the use of sunglasses while driving, arguing that if window tints are regulated, then face-based tints should be too.
“It’s just common sense,” Starmer bored reporters. “If car windows can’t be tinted beyond a certain darkness level for safety reasons, then why should people be allowed to stick an even darker tints directly onto their eyeballs?”
The move has sparked outrage among drivers, especially those who have relied on sunglasses to reduce glare rather than, say, squinting aggressively while muttering swear words at the sun.
The Window Tint Comparison That No One Asked For
Under current UK law, front side windows must let at least 70% of light through, while windscreens must allow at least 75%.
However, most sunglasses are far darker than this, with some reducing light transmission to as low as 10%.
“Essentially, what we’re seeing here,” Starmer explained, “is drivers applying illegal levels of tint directly to their own corneas. And we simply can’t allow people driving around like Stevie Wonder.”
The new law would require drivers to remove sunglasses before setting off, or face a £100 fine and three penalty points—which is presumably why the Labour manifesto now includes a pledge for more ‘free squinting lessons’ for all.
Ray-Ban Hits Back
A spokesperson for Ray-Ban, Britain’s most popular sunglasses brand, called the move “a direct attack on people who want to look slightly cooler than they actually are.”
“This is a devastating blow to our customers—especially those who wear sunglasses in the winter, indoors, or at night for absolutely no reason,” they stated.
“If this law passes, Britain will become the first country where driving in sunglasses is illegal, but driving in Crocs is still somehow allowed.”
Public Reaction: “What Next, Banning Magic Trees?”
When we informed local driver, Sarah Wilkinson, about the proposed ban, she immediately threw her Costa cup in rage and declared:
“So what are they going to ban next, Magic Trees? Because I find the smell distracting? Maybe fluffy dice? Oh no, actually, let’s just ban air fresheners altogether in case they make my car TOO NICE TO CONCENTRATE!“
Is Hope on the Horizon? Enter “Government-Approved Driving Glasses”
There may be a way around the ban, however. Insiders suggest that ministers are already in talks with optical companies to introduce government-approved “safe driving glasses”, which allow just the right amount of light through to satisfy Keir Starmer’s fun police.
Potential replacements include:
✔ Lightly tinted “squint-reducing” lenses
✔ Clip-on sun visors that make you look like a 90-year-old pensioner on their way to the garden centre
✔ “Chancellor Shades” – Officially licensed government driving glasses, but only available at a grossly inflated price through a contract with someone’s mate from Eton
Final Thoughts: The Future Looks Dim
With the government tightening the grip on driving fun, it’s only a matter of time before we’re all forced to wear high-vis jackets just to sit behind the wheel.
For now, enjoy your sunglasses while you can—before they become just another relic of the past, like cheap petrol and people who actually indicate at roundabouts.
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