An electric vehicle owner has shocked absolutely no one by revealing a groundbreaking calculation that proves ICE (internal combustion engine) drivers waste entire months of their lives standing next to petrol pumps.
Writing in what can only be described as the smuggest blog post ever written, self-proclaimed EV evangelist Simon Whitwhere claims his “brilliant, inarguable math” shows petrol and diesel drivers have been conned into a life of endless fueling misery.
The (Terrible) Math
“Let’s break it down,” says Simon, who once spent an entire afternoon watching a Tesla charge and has been unbearable ever since.
“The average ICE driver spends 4 minutes physically pumping fuel into their car. Then there’s another 2 minutes if they have to go inside and pay like it’s 1993. That’s 6 minutes per fill-up.”
“Now, let’s assume they refuel once a week. That’s 6 minutes per week, 24 minutes per month, 4.8 hours per year, and—wait for it—DAYS UPON DAYS OVER A LIFETIME LOST TO THE PETROL PUMP!”
Meanwhile, Simon argues that an EV driver simply pops the charging plug into their car in just 5 seconds, then goes about their day like a free, enlightened being.
“Compare that to your sad, fossil-fuelled existence. That’s a difference of WEEKS when you add it up!” he gloats. He adds “That’s time which could be better spent stamp collecting or bird watching”.
“What About Charging Time?” Shut Up, That’s What.
Simon, aware that people will obviously point out that EVs take far longer to actually charge, is ready for what he feels is a very weak argument.
“Oh no! What will I do with my precious time while my car charges?” he mocks. “Let’s see… oh wait, I know! I’ll just live my life. I’ll get a coffee. I’ll take a dump. I’ll scroll TikTok. Meanwhile, you’re stuck at the Shell station, holding a petrol nozzle like some kind of medieval peasant.”
He continues:
“And before you say it—no, ‘going for a coffee’ isn’t part of the charging time. That’s just called having a nice day out. Unlike ICE drivers, who apparently enjoy standing on a smelly forecourt holding a hose like you’re watering the garden”.
ICE Drivers Remain Unconvinced
While Simon is immensely proud of his calculations, petrol and diesel drivers remain deeply unimpressed.
“I may stand at the pump for six minutes a week,” said local BMW driver Chris Packman, “but at least I don’t have to plan my entire life around where the nearest charging point is, like some kind of Range Anxiety Grandmaster.”
Final Thoughts: Is He Right?
Despite Simon’s horrifically biased math, the question remains: who really wastes more time?
ICE drivers spend minutes at a time refueling but can then get on with their day. EV drivers spend hours plugged in but insist they’re “being productive” while their car slowly sips electrons.