“As a Tesla Driver, I Won’t Judge You for Wanting to Bed Me”
It’s not easy being a Tesla driver. The stares, the whispers, the sheer magnetism that follows us wherever we go. Women see the sleek lines of my Model S, hear the gentle hum of my battery-powered dominance, and they just know—they want me. And honestly? I don’t blame them.
Because let’s be real: Elon didn’t just revolutionize the car industry—he revolutionized my sex life.
Smooth Like Autopilot
Before I bought a Tesla, I was just another guy in a petrol-powered world, revving my engine, desperately trying to impress women with the loud grumble of an outdated combustion system. But now? Now I just roll up to a red light in complete silence, look over at the woman next to me, and smirk.
She sees the Tesla badge. She understands.
“I bet you have a long charge,” she says, biting her lip.
“200 miles, baby,” I whisper. “And I don’t even need a recharge overnight.”
She gasps. I watch as she clutches her seatbelt tighter.
Every Vagina, Not Electric Vehicle
We, the enlightened few, know that EV doesn’t stand for Electric Vehicle. No, no, no. It stands for Every Vagina. Because, since purchasing this car, that’s exactly what I’ve been granted access to—thanks, of course, to Elon ‘The Wingman’ Musk.
My fellow Tesla-driving brothers and I have long accepted this unfair advantage. We don’t seek the attention. We simply exist in a world where women cannot help but fall for the raw, unfiltered seduction of a man who cares about the environment and high-performance torque.
“It’s the way he parallel parks,” I overheard one woman say in a bar.
“He doesn’t even touch the wheel,” her friend whispered back.
I took a sip of my soy latte and nodded. They get it.
Women Love a Man Who Knows the Future
Look, I don’t judge women for their natural attraction to me. It’s not their fault they crave a man who understands the importance of sustainable transport and also happens to look like a modern-day Magnum P.I.
It’s not their fault they’ve only ever been with guys who drive Ford Fiestas, pressing a clutch like a caveman.
I’m just saying, if you ever find yourself hopelessly attracted to a Tesla driver, don’t feel bad about it. It’s science. It’s progress. It’s Elon.
And I, for one, am happy to be part of the future.