There are many types of bad drivers on Britain’s roads—the lane hogger, the last-minute braker, the BMW driver who believes indicators are optional extras—but none are quite as infuriating as the dreaded Flat Line Driver.
You know the one. They’re doing 40mph on a 50mph A-road, creating a queue longer than the Brexit negotiations, but the moment a 30mph village zone arrives? They keep doing 40.
What Goes On Inside Their Empty Skulls?
The Flat Line Driver is a special breed of idiot, operating on a strict one-speed-fits-all policy. Their approach to driving is simple:
🚗 50mph road? 40mph.
🚗 30mph road? 40mph.
🚗 National Speed Limit dual carriageway? 40mph.
🚗 School zone full of children? You guessed it—40mph.
It’s as if their accelerator pedal is glued in place, and they fundamentally do not believe in the concept of speed variation.
The Science of Maximum Annoyance
Flat Line Drivers have somehow mastered the perfect speed to ruin everyone’s day:
1. Too slow when it matters – Trundling along at 40mph in a 50 zone, ensuring that everyone behind them is seething with rage.
2. Too fast when it’s dangerous – Ignoring 30mph limits through villages, because what’s a primary school compared to their unwavering commitment to “making good progress” at a slightly wrong speed?
3. Impossible to overtake – Because the only safe place to pass them is in the 50mph zonewhere they’re holding everyone up—but by the time an overtake is unsafe, they’re suddenly breaking the speed limit. It’s like racing a particularly annoying ghost that always stays just out of reach.
“Maybe They’re Just Unaware?” No. They Know.
A common defence of Flat Line Drivers is that they’re just oblivious, not malicious. But let’s be honest: they know exactly what they’re doing.
That little glance in the mirror? That’s them seeing the 20-car funeral procession they’ve created and deciding, “Yes, I am the main character today.”
That tiny adjustment of speed when they realise you’re about to overtake? That’s a petty little tap on the accelerator, just enough to make you abort the manoeuvre and return to stewing in your own rage.
They thrive on making you suffer.
Why Do They Drive Like This?
🚗 Theory 1: They Have No Working Speedometer – They are fully guessing their speed at all times.
🚗 Theory 2: They Are a Sadist – They actively enjoy watching your frustration build in the rearview mirror.
🚗 Theory 3: They Have a Single Brain Cell and It’s Busy Keeping Them Alive – Thinking about speed would be too much effort when their tiny mind is already occupied with chewing gum and breathing.
🚗 Theory 4: They Believe Speed Limits Are Just ‘Suggestions’ – “Yeah, mate, they put up those ‘30’ signs for fun. I prefer to use my own judgment, thanks.”
What Can You Do?
Unfortunately, there is no cure for the Flat Line Driver. They are immune to flashing lights, they are unfazed by angry overtakes, and they are completely incapable of learning.
Your only options are:
✔ Accept your fate – Resign yourself to crawling through life at 40mph, no matter the limit.
✔ Take up meditation – Imagine yourself in a better place. Maybe a world where Flat Line Drivers are banned from public roads.
✔ Move to Germany – Autobahns have no speed limits, and if someone drives at 40mph, they will be swiftly dealt with.
But in the meantime, if you ever get stuck behind one of these four-wheeled sources of misery, just remember:
Attempt to manifestation different kind of FLAT LINE and aim it in the direction of the car in front of you.